Who is Me?

I've just spent my Friday morning like this. School prep - red clothes, lunches, toothbrushing, hair, drink bottles, gold coin donation for Day for Daniel. Notices signed, bike in the car for Bike ed. helmet - check. Took the kids to school. Walked them in. Kissed them goodbye. Got a coffee. Spent ten minutes with the girls, talking crap, and deciding to go to Bali.

Bali. Yes! Girls weekend! We were squealing and bouncing like teens who just got Bieber tickets.

We worked out how much we would need to save per week to have money by June. Bali is cheap right? It wouldn't be that much? We will get a tin and chuck $20 a week in til then. Hang on, no, that's not enough. $50. $50 will do it.

One of our friends pointed out that we can't even get our arses into gear to go away for a night. It's true. We have been talking about going away for a girls weekend for months. Months and months. We found some spas to treat ourselves at. Found a gorgeous little house to book. We picked a date.

We never did it.

Why? Because life. Responsibilities. Money. Kids sports, child minding arrangements.

IT WAS TOO F*CKING HARD.

So we missed out. We told ourselves it doesn't matter. That it would happen one day. Maybe when the kids are older. When we have more money.

The fact is, these things are never going to start happening until we let ourselves come first every now and then. Until we decide, no, I deserve this, and I'm going to make it happen.

We all have a million things going through our mind at any given time. Do we have toilet paper? When is the water bill due? The dog is due for worming. Shit when did I last worm the kids? What's for dinner? What date is the dancing concert? Did I get enough tickets? When was the last time I changed the sheets? Is it next week that the power goes off? Must remember to grab an esky so the food doesn't go off. When was my last period? We need Nutella.

These are just little things that swirl around our already tired brains. They are responsibilities. We must do them. If we don't, who will? I have run out of toilet paper before. It's not nice. I have contemplated wiping my arse with the cardboard toilet roll. It is not an option. I have experienced rage as I sat there peering at the empty toilet roll holder. But no one was to blame but me. ME. I'm in charge of the toilet rolls. I AM the clean arse brigade.

These small responsibilities, particularly if forgotten, are like weights. They adorn us like Christmas baubles. These little thoughts, duties and requirements can make our branches droop. They can suck the moisture from our core. They are our badges, we must wear them, but we can't let them define us, or disguise the beauty and potential hidden behind them.

Lately, a lot of my friends have been talking about losing themselves. They want to feel like they used to, but they don't know who they are any more.

I totally get it. I was there. People suggested I get a hobby. Well yeah, a hobby is good if you know what you like doing, but if you don't know what you like doing, a hobby is as useless as tits on a bull.

A doctor told me to exercise. Get those endorphins going. Awesome. Ok, I can do exercise. I joined a gym and went 4 times. I loved it, but once again, life got in the way. My gym opportunities were so few and far between, because my 'spare' time was spent doing stuff that had to be done. Errands, laying on the couch, that kind of thing.

I think it's important to realise that we are constantly evolving. With each day, child, job, minute, we change. We don't stay the same. So when we say, I just want to feel like 'me' again, we need to really think. Which 'me' do I want to be? The 'me' before kids? That can't happen. The 'me' living happily in your room at your parents house, having dinner cooked and your bed made? That can't happen either.

Have a think about what wanting to be 'me' again means. I think it means being happy. Content. Fulfilled. When you long for something you once had, it's because when you had it, it made you happy. The memories of your old self evoke feelings of nostalgia. Whether it was floating on the clear waters of an island escape with your girlfriends on a Contiki tour in your 20s, or the feeling you got when you purchased your first home. The birth of your long awaited baby. Spending your entire pay on outfits.

Instead of looking backwards, it's time to look at the present. What does today's 'me' want? A hot coffee? A good nights sleep? A million bucks?

I think it's a common theme with some of us chicks that have had kids that are off to school and kinder and suddenly finding themselves with a few spare moments of time. What do you do? Where do you go? How do you fill the time? 

Todays 'me' can be happy too. It can be fulfilled and content. Today's 'me' can contain shades of yesterday's 'me'. But it will not be the same.

It is richer from experience. It has endured. It has experienced feelings of joy, pain and confusion. It has shaped you. Given you opportunities and taken them away. Put you in a position to start living in the present. Not the past, not the future.

Allow yourself to come first. Create opportunities. Invest in YOU. Believe that you are important. Worth chances.

Take chances, try new things. Maybe Pilates? If you hate it, don't go back. Need a career change? Have a crack. Buy toilet paper at Costco. You'll never run out again. That will make you happy.

We all deserve a chance at happiness. But - as cliched as it is - we are in charge of it. No man, woman, child or circumstance should stand in our way. In fact, if you choose your tribe right, you can rely on those people to inspire, motivate and guide you.

Today's 'me' is happy. I've just eaten a bag of microwave popcorn and been farted on by my son. Today, that is enough for me. Tomorrow that might not be enough, but I'll find something else to make me smile.

One thing I am sure of though, June 2017's 'me' will be in Bali. You can bet your arse on it.

Claire x